I am a Ballerina

I am more thrilled than I can put into words to be dancing again! Of course I have always been dancing, but now I am starting up proper training in the art of ballet!

There have been some setbacks such as pulling a muscle (the doctor said my hip was out, but it felt like a pulled muscle, idk) It is all to be expected less than 2 years since a very bad injury. One instructor even expressed his surprise that I am doing as well as I am having torn such a big muscle. It is very obvious to me that it is still healing as scar tissue from even a small scratch on the skin takes years to fade. Either way, It has been a huge source of joy to be practicing again. The proper coaching is very nice, as depending on which way a leg is turned, depends what kind of access you have to certain muscles.

I remember when I first got injured, I had lots of dreams that I was a ballerina. Of course, because I couldn’t walk my mind went immediately to long held dreams. It’s interesting how grief (even grief over temporarily losing the ability to walk) can stir up your heart and draw out some of the most seemingly out of the blue wounds. In fact, this wound over dancing runs deep for me. I used to do ballet as a kid but was made to quit for one reason or another and I’ve always felt a little sore about it because I loved it so much as a kid and was just getting to the exciting part of “Pointe” Practice. To my memory I was given no reason for needing to quit (although I have sense asked and I’m not sure I trust the reasoning).

I say this wound runs deep because it actually does and is a huge contributing factor to limiting beliefs I have held such as “My dreams are out of reach” or “As soon as I achieve my dreams they get taken away” or “my dreams are not available to me”

I’ve brought up this topic of ballet with many therapists. It’s interesting how something so seemingly small can have such big effects and aftermath on our psyche. As children our brains process things in the only way they know how and somethings it’s not with healthy reasoning. That’s why it’s important to get to the root of many limiting beliefs and sometimes that does require professional help. Once we get to the root, we can transmute those thought patterns by replacing them with more empowering ones. It’s as simple as repeating (repeating is the important part) the opposite of the disempowering beliefs we once adopted. We also want to feel into them, as emotion is what rewires the brain.

So, I could say: “All my dreams are possible.” “Anything I want is available to me” “I AM thankful I can keep living out my dreams.”

I’ll often record my own voice saying these sorts of things and play them to myself each day until they become like “second-nature thoughts”. Super helpful tool!

Either way I’m super thankful that now as an adult and can choose for myself. And thankful I live somewhere with a studio! Infact I’m studying with my old instructor from childhood! He is very funny and we laugh all class long!

One of the beautiful pieces of ballet specifically is that you are constantly reminded to smile! As all dancers on stage need to be constantly wearing a smile as part of the performance, so naturally we would practice this in class too! It’s actually counter intuitive because often times you’re wracking your brain to keep up with the steps that your face may reflect that or the tired muscles that you can barely hold up any longer, or even one more jump when you’re already sweating, how can it be done with a smile? Perhaps that’s all part of the lesson. Practice smiling through the “good” and “bad”. Another great tool!

But….as you can see in this painting, dancers aren’t laughing or smiling, rather crying, as the images I referenced were of myself. I found myself in the woods with a tutu on (this was before I started up ballet again) I was at a music festival and dressed for the occasion. I was posing in a rather sullen feeling due to my heartbreak. There’s also a little hidden heart in this piece.